The Best Way to Help Your Child With Anxiety — Yale approved
Hello Lovely!!
After church, Darling Belle (one of my daughter’s alias for the world) and I went to the car to wait for the boys.
As chatting it up, she noticed that there was a moth in the car. A small brown moth that most likely lost its way and forgot it was daylight.
Of course, I didn’t think anything of it, it’s a moth after all.
But she thought lots about it.
She started screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, flapping her hands everywhere in the hope of trying to get it out.
And even after I jumped in and got it out, she was still screaming.
So of course, I tried everything to calm her down. I consoled her and gave her a hug, I told her that everything was going to be ok and held her in my arms until the boys came in the car. But she was still shivering.
As I sat there holding Darling Belle, I thought to myself… “there has to be a better way. Am I doing this right? It’s only getting worse.”
What’s getting worse? you may ask.
Her anxiety.
Unfortunately, she is not alone. Seven percent of 3-17 years old in the USA have been diagnosed with anxiety.
And for children, unlike for adults who can verbalize what they are feeling, they cannot and it manifests in different ways.
finding it hard to concentrate.
not sleeping, or waking in the night with bad dreams.
not eating properly.
quickly getting angry or irritable, and being out of control during outbursts.
constantly worrying or having negative thoughts.
feeling tense and fidgety, or using the toilet often.Any small action may trigger it.
And can be comorbid with the causes of other mental health issues- ADHD, Depression, Bipolar, etc.
Thankfully, though, there is a way to help children with anxiety.
Yale conducted a research study about the “epidemic of anxiety disorders afflicting the nation’s children.” Apparently, “One in three children will experience clinically a significant anxiety disorder before adulthood. Unless treated, many will become anxious adults.”
And what did they found out? Drum roll, please…. the best solution to treat anxiety in kids is ‘treating the parent.”
Yep, you heard right.
Treat the parent, treat the anxiety. You may be asking (as I did)…” wait…treat the parent? But the parent is only trying to help.”
Well, apparently that is the problem.
With anxious kids, the best method of help is actually acknowledging their feelings and then allowing them to fend for themselves or to face the situation at hand. The worst thing that the parent can do is to “accommodate” the child and how he/she is feeling.
Wait, what?
For instance, we often think that if the child is anxious about going to school, then the best remedy is to “ease them into it,” by either starting 2-3 times a week, or holding her at home while “the anxiety passes over.” Or we may allow the child to sleep with us when she has a nightmare or “is seeing monsters” vs. telling her to go back to bed. These are forms of “accommodations” that we need to not do.
In reality, the Yale study says, consoling or “accommodating” the anxiousness of the child will only increase the same behavior and actually make it worse because the child uses it as a way to not self-soothe or handle the situation. Our “accommodation” basically becomes her validation that the world is a scary world and that the anxiety is well deserved.
In essence, we are not giving the child the opportunity to handle the situation and to know that she is strong enough to handle what she is afraid of, to self-soothe, and to trust the world.
And how can we do this?
ask questions about what she is feeling
understand why it may be happening
acknowledge the feeling & why the feeling may be there by re-telling her what you understand of what she told you & how it can happen
patting her in the back and telling her that she will be ok because she is strong/wise/_fill in the blank with an adjective that relates to the problem.
For example, if your child comes to sleep with you in the middle of the night, and she tells you that she is afraid of the dark, one thing you may say is
“I understand that you are afraid of the dark. And you know what, I was afraid of the dark when I was little too. I can feel scary. And when I was your age, something happened though! One night, I was looking for the monsters, but they weren’t there! And that is when I learned that I was not afraid of the dark, it was that my imagination was creating these amazing stories about the dark! Can you believe that?! And from there, I realized that I didn’t have to worry. That I will be ok. And I know you will be ok too.”
Then place the child back on her bed and go back to sleep.
This level of understanding, empathy, but assurance of the child to self-soothe and to have confidence, will allow her to know that she is able to handle things on her own and to trust that she will be ok.
And you may be asking… in that case will it best to ignore the situation or not talk about her anxiety or how she felt. The research actually came back to show that the method of complete avoidance or nothing talking about will be the WORST, WORST thing to do (maybe even more than accomodating). Ignoring only makes it worse; not acknowledging what is happening to the child or how she is feeling will only exacerbate her anxiety, and not allow her to cope with any situation (even as adults). It will deepen her anxiety and thought to fear the world. To not trust.
So the next time, your child is having an anxiety experience, allow her to. Acknowledge it. Empathize and then assure that she will be ok.
XOXO,
Clara
P.S. Because of this study, Yale has launched a program for parents. In case you may be interested, here are the details: The new program is called SPACE and helps parents handle issues arising from living with an anxious child.